Lost Girl....Found

It seems like a lifetime ago & I guess, in a sense, it was.

I was only 18 years old.

In some respects I can’t even remember my life back then.

Different priorities.

Different values.

Completely different views of loyalty, friendship, compassion, love, kindness.

Oh, and….

I’m not actually talking about me.

My priorities have never really shifted.

My view on loyalty & true friendship still as intact today, 20 years later.

It’s the people that were in my life that grasped on to the opposite.

I was in a low-point in my college life.

It looked good on the outside.

I had lots of friends.  A fun job.  A rockin’ social life.  I was in a sorority.

And then….

I wasn’t.

The friends that I had made up to that point where some of my very best.

We did everything together.  Talked for hours on the phone.  Hung out every weekend.  Ate together.  Studied together.  Partied together.  Shared really bad days together.  And had really great days together.

And then….we WEREN’T together.

I felt like I had lost everything the day that I was told that my GPA wasn’t high enough to remain.

I’m not even sure that ‘devastated’ is the best word I could use. 

That day….shaped my heart like only a few others have.

In the days to follow, I felt like I was drowning. Trying so hard to hold on to those friendships like they were a life preserver.  I just couldn’t hold on anymore & they all slipped away little by little.

A new year came.  They moved on.  So many attempts were made to act like I was okay.  And I really wasn’t. 

Spring break arrived & I was invited to go along.  So…I went.

And, another day came that shaped my heart into what it is today.

I wanted so badly to feel a part of this group like I had BEFORE.  Moments were still awkward.  And I completely felt like an outsider tagging along on someone else’s vacation.

I think back to that life-changing night & I really can’t recall what started the argument between the girls but it ended up with my packing most of my things & leaving.

And there…I…was.

In the middle of a lake. 

On a beach. 

On a pay phone making a collect call home. 

Tears streaming down my face. 

I couldn’t catch my breath. 

Not even really aware of what just occurred.

Not ONE friend came to see if I was ok. 

Not ONE.

By the grace of God (& I truly mean that), I met the guy who managed the motel on the lake & he let me stay in one of the only rooms left.

There were thousands of college kids on this lake & friends that I thought I would have for a lifetime & I felt completely & totally alone.

A lot of growing up happened in that 24-hours.

I had to take a cab to find a Western Union.  Another cab to the bus stop.  Take a bus 3 hours to the airport.  Take a middle of the night flight home & in between that, return to get the rest of my things, wait in the motel room for 7 hours while everyone was having a GREAT spring break & I just felt like I WAS breaking!

Even in the writing of the words, my heart still breaks for that girl. 

So what happened when life resumed to ‘normal’? 

Well…I finally found myself.

I realized that THEY were not what made me.  That money really can’t buy you friends. That I was so much more than they saw.

It took another year of making new friends.  Finding a new life socially.  Opening up my heart to love again. 

It has taken a very long time to forgive.  The scar that they left is not easy to cover up.  And that’s why I don’t.  That’s why I’m sharing it.

Not to make anyone feel sorry for that lost girl.  But to make another lost girl know that it’s going to be totally fine.  That life will move forward.  Her heart will mend.  And that God says ‘no’ to things at times because He has a greater ‘YES’. 

There is a reason you’re standing on that ‘beach’ right now or in that apartment or school or cubicle or marriage or hospital room.  Don’t let that gaping hole in your heart at this moment, be for nothing!  Fill it up with something MORE!!

That moment in time made me grow up.  It was not easy & I’m not sure I would walk that path again.  But I know what I look for in friendships now.  I know what I search for in this life.  And I am so much stronger. 

Many things have attributed to that strength but that moment was a BIGGIE!

I’m not sure why we all try to be something that we think others would like better.  Cuz I tried that & I ended up on a beach in the middle of nowhere.

My real self would have been just fine.  And even if it wasn’t fine, with THEM anyway, I would have been.

Insecurity can be a wrecking ball on your life if you allow it.  And I did.  For a moment.  Then I picked up the pieces.  Brushed the sand off my toes & got back to life.

Life is not all good.  It’s not laughter all of the time.  Friends will hurt you.  Your heart will get broken.  You will be disappointed by a LOT of different people. 

It’s my prayer that the same friends that hurt me in that season, never experience that same feeling.  Forgiveness is a difficult thing!  It’s taken a long time.  But that slate, for me, has been wiped clean.  And so has my heart!  

In the eye of the storm

It has been 9 years.

9 years ago my life was torn apart by a spiritual tornado.  My first husband was diagnosed with cancer 3 years prior & lost his battle.  And, the walls that were built around my very secure life were broken down in an instant. 

There was every warning sign.  Thunder & rain were present.  I saw it coming.  I felt it’s fury.  I knew the outcome.  But what I didn’t foresee is that it would tear my heart out of my chest at the same time.  Leaving me unable to breathe.  Incapable of moving.  Silenced by pain.  I couldn’t change it.  No physical shelter was going to protect me from it.  The damage would be done.

 Unexplainable. 

Incomprehensible.

Excrutiatingly painful.

And there I stood.  I was surrounded by a mound of rubble & ruin that appeared insurmountable at the time.  All I saw were branches & boards where walls used to be. 

Wondering how to rebuild.  But my foundation was strong.  I stood on God’s promise of love & grace. 

But where did I go from there?

So, slowly I began.  Sometimes minute by minute.   Hour by hour.  To rebuild.   My own deadline for restoration wasn’t met.  But I set that in my own time.   Not God’s.  And He had His own plan.  My structural issues were more damaging then what I thought.

He needed me to reach out in so many ways.  I had to rise up & stand where I once fell on my knees. 

In tears. 

In prayer. 

In complete reliance. 

I was scarred.   Torn.  Pulled apart.  In ruins. 

Tears didn’t even come anymore.  But light soon did. 

Sadness turned into singing.  And courage that I didn’t even know I had showed up at the front door of my heart.

The past needed to be cleared away to make room for future blessings.  And there WOULD be blessings! 

 Mercy & grace sewed themselves together with possibility & produced something brand new. 

My hands were lifted high….to Him.  Because that’s all I had. 

I had to rest in His hands.  To allow for THE Carpenter to do His work.  To let the rhythm of the hammer that was building a new life for me settle in like a beautiful song instead of a rattling noise in my head.

I had to trust…..in the Mighty God that is so much more powerful than any little tornado could EVER be.

 My house was not rebuilt overnight.  Or even in a year.  The transformation is actually still taking place.  Most is complete.  But there is always more to do.  More to learn.  More that I let settle into my heart.   More that I need to trust God with.  More that I need to lay at His feet.  Ways that I am still, even after all this time, leaning on Him for strength. 

My house is not perfect.  It still has cracks.  But the main renovation is done. 

Now my house stands more beautiful then what I could have imagined.  The tornado stripped away those things I didn’t need.  A new door to my heart was installed to let in love, patience, tolerance & mercy.  I stopped using shutters of anxiety, judgment, fear & unhappiness & put in new windows that help me see a different world.  Have a new perspective.  And most importantly, to trust in Him for ALL things.

 

We are all building a new house in some way.  We all will have storms that tear us down.  It’s up to us to decide how we will rebuild.  Let it be with the help of our forever God!  He is a carpenter after all!

Have you ever had to rebuild?  How did you do it?