Hello 2012!!

Hello 2012!!

What will you bring this year?

If I can put my two cents in, here’s what I’d like to offer.

That you allow every single day to be filled with Joy!  I’m not asking for it every single second because that will be too unrealistic.  BUT….a sprinkle or 2 of it at random times would be wonderful.

I would like to not have worry!  So many things that I COULD do with it but I don’t want to.  Let me give all of that to God.  Place it at His feet each day & go about my business.

Let me embrace my family even more.  Not just physically, although I shall work on that too, but allow my heart to open up even more to feel things I haven’t even yet discovered.

Please God…watch over us this year!  Continue to blanket our family with your amazing love!!  Protect our children with the power of 10,000 armies.  Keep them under your wings Lord & show us how to love them with YOUR heart.

Give us memories this year that will last a lifetime!  Whether we travel to far away places or our feet are planted here just in our own home, let laughter ring loudly in everything that we do.

Give us good friendships.  The kind that are only seen in movies.  Let new faces enter in & let us grow in the old ones as well.


Give us a better appreciation for the wonderful marriage that we have.  For this partnership that we have entered in to.  Allow for quality time together to grow in our relationship with one another & keep God in the very center as we should.

I want more time with You God!!  I know that’s not just going to happen on it’s own.  I’m aware that it takes two of us to make this relationship work.  But some days, I may need a push from you.  I’m giving you full authority to wake me early so we can have a good morning chat.  (that’s funny!!...Me giving YOU authority)

Provide me Your gifts Lord!!  Of gentleness, kindness, self-control, love, goodness, etc. so I can reflect that back to my family. 

And if there is to be time wasted, let it be time that’s spent well.  In good company & not just on trivial things that do nothing for me or my soul!

Bring lots of sunshine our way so we can enjoy the outdoors & all it has to offer.  Let us feel rain on our faces & fall asleep to it’s sound hitting our rooftop.

Give me lots of kisses & hugs & snuggle time with my kids!!  Cuz OH how I love them!!

And when there are times when I ruin my ‘mother of the year’ nomination, let forgiveness fall on my tongue.  Let that softness pour over me & an apology come easier than it has in the past.

I know it’s a lot to ask!  And it’s probably more than 2 cents worth but you can’t get anything if you don’t ask for it, right? 

And one more thing….simplicity!

Can 2012 be simple?  No hassles or hype.  Just plain living with those I love.  Less shopping & more fresh air.  Less eating out & more dinners around our own table.  Less money spent on material things & more time spent with those less fortunate.  Less worrying about what the house looks like & more making of messes with the kids that are growing up WAY too fast.  Just….SIMPLE!!

And there we have it.  Just a small request.  Here’s praying for a GREAT year!!

Gotta love a good book

I totally get what ‘they’ say.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I really wasn’t ever a lover of books.

I wanted to be.

I fact, I remember I checked out All Things Great and Small from the school library when I was in the 3^rd grade.

Only to turn it back in a week later with about 2 chapters read.

I bought it again a few years ago & still didn’t get through it.

When Hailey was born, she screamed from the moment she appeared in our world.  Seriously.

I thought I was doing everything wrong.  That I was a terrible mom. 

There was never peace in our home from 3 p.m. until about 11 every night for 5 months.

And without going into too much detail on that, I learned to find peace in reading.

It was the one thing that I could do at night when she finally stopped crying that would allow my mind to settle.  My soul to calm.  And I started loving words. 

TV would just bring more noise.

Surfing the internet just brought story after story of things gone wrong in society and quite frankly I didn’t want to hear about other’s problems when I was just trying to get through mine!

And I had already done my fair share of praying in those 7 plus hours.

So reading it was!

I never thought I would love it so much. 

I buy more books before I even finish the others which is why I have so many sitting on my nightstand tonight.

Here’s my list currently:

Bridge to Terabithia (It’s children’s literature & it seems like a good read)

The Clockwork Three (again….really seems like a fascinating book!)

Three Cups of Tea (A man’s mission for peace building one school at a time)

Real Moms….Real Jesus (cuz well…I just need to fill myself up as a mom)

Solomon’s Oak (this was just on sale when Borders went out of business)

Rescue (again, on sale but just looked good)

One Fifth Avenue (I loved Lipstick Jungle so thought this would be a good follow-up)

Mini Shopaholic (this just says it all right in the title)

Holy Bible (no words really needed here!!!!!)…and will FOREVER be on my nightstand.

Fly Away Home (I love Jennifer Weiner as an author)

REALLY?!?!?

TEN books!

I read every night before I go to bed but seriously?

And there are probably another 10 books IN my nightstand that I just don’t have room for at the moment.

I just finished The Hunger Games series & that was just amazing!  I have never been into a book that generates a following.  But this was a serious addiction for about 7 weeks.  Couldn’t put them down! 

There was a lot of good that came out of those colicky months.  And I can ONLY say that now because I’m sitting in silence & those days are long gone, never to return again!

My love for written words has become so much more abundant than I ever thought it could be!

So now, I’m off to rest…with a good book in hand!

What are YOU reading? 

Too much time away

I’ve taken a break from writing for a while.  Words weren’t flowing as they usually do & I wasn’t feeling like doing it quite frankly. 

And then I realized that I’m not doing it for anyone else.  Sure, my words have reached China & Australia & that is just so stinkin’ cool really. 

But it’s more about doing it for my kids.  Writing about what is on my heart, in my head, on the tip of my tongue at any given moment. 

With all that the internet possesses that is negative, leaving words….stories…memories…for my kids, is something I can do HERE that I couldn’t have done 10 years ago. 

Maybe I’ve had a hard time with it because I don’t know the focus.  Should it be a testimony?  Should I focus on crafts?  Decorating?  Past mistakes that have been reconciled? 

Maybe my focus should be just not to have one.  Cuz sometimes, it’s hard to focus when you’re a mom of 3.   If these words just reach 3 hearts, then I’ve done my job well. 

If my words touch 3000 hearts than I will be even more grateful.

So instead of writing nothing, I’m going to write ABOUT nothing…for awhile. 

Some days, I may write about something earth shattering & awe-inspiring.  Some days, maybe I’ll just stick to the basics & write about baking cookies with the kids. 

I’ve always put too much pressure on myself.  Wanting to do everything.  And do it ALL well.  And then when I do that….chances are, I only do some of it with half a heart & that gets me nowhere.

So for today, I am going to appreciate my favorite tree in the world.  The one right outside our front door.  The one that has seen many more years than I have.  It’s branches dance with the breeze on these summer afternoons & bring us so much beauty even in the changing of a season as the leaves fall away.  I just love that tree.  Birds have made nests there.  Kids have climbed it.  Rest has been had underneath its full branches.

We pruned it a few weeks ago & it almost physically hurt to watch as the dead branches were cut away.  I knew it was for the good, that it would be even more beautiful in the coming years, but I didn’t like it at the time.

(Kinda like some parts of my life)

I have another story about this tree that I will share some other time.  For now, I’m just going to listen to the leaves rustle together as the breeze settles in for the afternoon & my kids are taking a much needed nap.

We Don't Get To Choose

I didn’t get to choose which parent I would live with when my parents divorced when I was still a toddler.  Although, had I been given that choice, it would have been a no-brainer.  I would have picked the one that adored me.  The one that would have laid down their life for me.  The only one that would be there for me no matter what…unconditionally…no matter how bratty I was or un-lovable I made myself at times.

I didn’t get to choose when it came to giving my dog away when I was 6.  I was just told that he wouldn’t be there anymore when we got to my dad’s house. 

I cried hot tears. 

Not wanting him to see them, I looked out the window of our light blue Toyota Corolla. 

If I really understood what it was like to hate someone at that young age, that would have been the day. 

How is it possible to be within reach of someone but so incredibly far apart?  To be a world away although close enough to smell his cologne?

I didn’t get to choose the now ten-year-old fate when I became a widow.  That heart-crushing, gut-wrenching decision was planned long before I even took my first breath. 

I definitely chose the husband & I made that choice well.  But the days that I spent with him on this earth were much shorter than I would have liked.  The time spent in & out of hospitals.  Tending to him following chemotherapy & radiation.  Watching him lose his hair & his physical strength but never his dignity or faith.  Circumstances beyond our control couldn’t be changed. 

Life is full of choices not made by us. 

Some of us are born into circumstances.  Not allowing us to live within the boundaries of our full potential.  Some are crippled with illness & pain.  By depression & addiction.  A phone call that brings us to our knees telling us that someone we love, dearly, will not be coming home tonight.  We are told that our position is no longer needed or being outsourced.  Doctors tell us there isn’t anything more they can do. 

Choices are made for us.

We will drive to the polls & check the box beside the name of the candidate we like. 

We look at a long menu of choices.  Deciding whether to eat light & order a salad or give in and just order that juicy cheeseburger that is calling our name. 

We choose the neighborhood we live in. 

The college we go to.

The car we drive. 

The schools our children will attend. 

We choose our friends. 

We live in a world of choices.

We make more choices at Starbucks on our way to work than some will make all day.
Give.  Take.

Mayo or mustard

Straight or curly

Whole Wheat or White

Half-Full….Half-Empty

Fast lane or scenic route

We choose.

We give up & blame others.

Or, seek grace & thank God.

We live out loud or die within ourselves.

We become a product of redemption or of self-pity.

We choose.

I choose.

You….choose

Some choices may be made for us.  We choose how to handle them.  Will you become a better person because of them?  Will you learn through your experiences?  Are you seeking grace even when you’re finding it hard to find solid ground to stand on? 

Instead of wallowing in oppression, choose hallowing in gratefulness.  Express gratitude for the things in life that are allowing your heart to move, to change, to resurrect itself.

I could have made my experiences different.  Maybe not the 6-year-old me.  But the 40-year-old me can.  The here-and-now me that looks back & speaks of them can make them what I want.  I could choose to hate the dad.  To curse the cancer.  To hold my fists tight, shaking them in anger at God who holds every tear.

But I THANK!  

I may not understand.

I may question.

But I am still thankful.

Thankful because my choice, my decision, is to not let my past pain be my definitive future.

Blessed to have had that portion of the story but to not allow it to be the only.

Thousands are not loved by parents.  Widowed too young.  Laid off in a tough economy.  Born into an abusive environment.  And…..we…..choose.

We choose how to live outside of the boundaries of our labels.  To not let them define who we are.  How we are.  Why we are. 

Choose Wisely!

This Is A Tough Job

I don’t like running late to anything. 

Which seems funny considering since the very day I had our first daughter, I really haven’t been on time to anything else. 

As much as I would love to say that I’ve enjoyed every moment of the past almost-5-year period of babies & diapers & bottle feeding & rocking my sweet babies to sleep, I’m not sure I can satisfy the common reader with an absolute confirmation of sweet gratitude that you may be hoping for.

There was a time when I really did wish things away.  The colic.  The shrieking that lasted 7 hours straight.  The complete exhaustion.  The loss of independence.  I wanted my perfectly organized little life back.  QUICKLY.

I’m sure many people that would read these words would judge & ask why I even had children if that’s where my mind wandered a time or two (thousand).  The wishing of the evaporation of time.  The hope of getting to something MORE.  Cuz there has to be something more, right?

I am not one that typically sugar coats things & I am definitely the person to come to if you want an opinion.  Chances are….I will have one.

I adore….like, over-the-moon LOVE my kids.  But not every day has been a good one.  Or one that I would even want to repeat.  There have been so many times that I have repented for things I have said.  Thoughts I have had.  I have said so many prayers that I have lost track.  (which is really how it should be when you’re a mom!!)  Pray, Pray, Pray until we can’t pray anymore because the only way we can really make this life work is to go to God who gave it to us in the first place.

I just want to keep things real.  I want moms to understand that not every day will be a good one.  We will have moments where we feel like we are complete failures.  Moments when we won’t like our kids.  Where we wish for just a weekend completely alone to do whatever we want without them pulling on every limb.  Enjoying complete silence.  Or watching 20 straight episodes of Grey’s Anatomy in a row & eating nothing but junk food. 

If we can’t stand WITH each other in support through this journey then we will break much quicker in the battle that we really ARE all in together.

I want nothing more than the best for my children.  I am the mom that brings flashcards to restaurants because I want them to be their best.  I walk a fine line of balance.  How many activities to place them in.  What to sign them up for.  Which school to attend.  Or will I actually be THAT mom that I swore I would never be….the home-schooling one?!  The jury is still out on this one but I really do want them to be in their happiest place while they walk through this crazy world.  If it’s a public school, charter school or sitting at our table at home, I want them to be fulfilled.

All I am saying is that we juggle so many things as moms.  We carpool to soccer games & to school.  We volunteer in their classrooms.  We cheer on the sidelines.  We make sure they have a protein with every meal.  We hold them, cry with them, read & pray with them, teach them, shuffle them from one place to the next and still look beautiful in the process.

So let’s take it easy on ourselves & each other!  Share the grace that we have all been given by God.  Show mercy to that mom that just needs a kind & encouraging word.  Share a burden.  Lessen the load for a mom that needs a break by taking her kids to the next birthday party.  NOTICE that she is doing a fantastic job & TELL HER!!

We are all tired.

We get to the end of the day wondering ‘what just happened?’.

We finally manage to place our heads on a pillow & let out a big sigh & hope for peaceful rest to prepare us for the next day.

We may not always do it pretty.  We WILL make mistakes.  We will say things too harshly.  Spank our child with a firmer hand than we should have.  We will raise our voice.  We will apologize.  We will seek forgiveness.

We are not alone in this girls!

It is THE TOUGHEST job we will EVER do!!  No doubt about it.

There will be no raise or pat on the back.  There will be no plaque on the wall of recognition.  No words of appreciation.  In this life, we need to hold on to the knowing that we are doing this for something so much bigger!  And at the end of it, if the ONLY words we hear are ‘Well done, My good & faithful servant’ then we KNOW we have done our job well!!

It's been 5 nights since this world lost this beautiful sweet man.  I'm sure you all heard about it.  That sound that you heard of sweet singing in your ears last Thursday night.....that was the sound of 10,000 angels welcoming Rob's grandpa home!!   

We said a final goodbye last night & following is my tribute to him.  It is an honor to write of him in such a way that makes my heart so happy to have known & loved him.  

This place may not be filled with an endless number in attendance, standing room only, flowing into the halls.  However it is not due to lack of a life lived well or of love not given.  It is only because few have seen as many days.

I have come to realize that it is sometimes more beautiful to watch someone leave this world than to enter into it.  To be able to speak final words, pray final prayers & hold hands for one last time is more worthy of celebration when it is someone like grandpa.

I don’t call him that because of blood.  Because of lineage or genetics but by choice.  I call him that because he WAS that to me.  And he allowed me to love him that way.

I only hear stories of decades lived before I was blessed to know him.

I can’t tell you of boyish dreams or games played with him in the streets of New York as he grew into a young man.  I can’t relive moments of teenage rebellion.  I can’t reflect back to when he met the love of his life or the day he married her or  speak of the feelings that he had when he watched his children come into this world.

I can’t look back & speak of piggyback rides or corporate meetings.  Of bowling leagues & bridge club partnership.

I may not have been there for the best days of HIS life but I CAN tell you, without a doubt, that he was there for some of the best of mine.

There are very few people in this world that will even allow you to love them so much.  That welcome you with such lingering tenderness, the warmest smile & with a spirit so deep with gratitude for what I saw as the most insufficient of deeds but to him meant incalculable love.   Grandpa was that, for me. 

He delighted in what we would consider to be trivial things, yet to him, it was unconditional love poured out.  The making of a meal & the sharing of many.  Watching his great-grandchildren play & laugh.  Spending time together from the beaches in Cozumel to taking a canoe ride through the rainforests in Costa Rica.  Being there to walk me down the aisle when I married his very handsome & wonderful grandson.  

Witnessing his tired arthritic hands as they held tightly to the great-grandchildren that are so blessed to have had a chance to meet & be loved by him.  Enjoying countless glasses of scotch with his grandson that he adored more than words can say.  Taking him to Rockies games & and watching him as he enjoyed a nice cold beer.  And laughing at him & with him on countless occasions.  Watching he & Denise battle the surf in St. Marteen while she tried to keep his speedo on.  Seeing him work in tireless effort to keep up with his grandson while he tried drinking his way through Cozumel. 

Explaining to him that, although a lovely gesture, buying each of our kids a Kindle for Christmas probably wouldn’t be worth it, since none of them can read yet.  Being there the first time he saw a chocolate fondue fountain.  And laughing hysterically when he proceeded to stick his entire arm through it, chocolate dripping from as far up as his elbow, because he didn’t know that he just needed to gently dip the strawberries.  (I think a few people just walked away without getting any that evening)

Grandpa gave us reason to slow down.  Sometimes, because well, he was just slower than the rest of us.  More times however, it was because the things of this world that tend to make us rush became secondary to caring for him, loving on him & spending time with this wonderful, quiet sweet man that we are all blessed to have known & loved.

As I said, I am not standing here to tell of lifelong memories but to honor him for what I did get to be a part of.  A life, in it’s time, that made me a better person.  Each of us here today have been made better because of him & may you walk into this world with a little bit of the light that grandpa gave to all of us.

Crash

It happened when I was 7 years old.
It was a beautiful day.
Perfect day for a bike ride.


There I was.
Pig tails and freedom.


So off I went. To where, I wasn’t sure. But I was going anyway.


Abundant sunshine.
Ample breeze.
Satisfied soul.


And then IT happened.


The rocks. The skid. The crash. The pain.
Dirt covered. Pain ridden.


There I was. Alone….covered in blood, sweat & tears…..LITERALLY! Too prideful to ask for help, even at 7. Not knowing how I would fix it. Nothing broken. Unless you count spirit.


I’m not sure what hurt worse. Was it the injury itself or my pride getting in the way?


It was one of those cuts that still hurt 5 days later.
Leaves a scar for years.
And even requires stitches because the cut is larger than the body can handle.


It amazes me how our bodies can respond to an injury.
How everything else seems to stop & the attention shifts solely to the healing of the wound.


Most often, if we just give it time….the healing takes care of itself.
One day, the bandage is removed. The pain is gone. And it doesn’t look nearly as bad as it did when it happened.


Our hearts are like that too. They get broken.
Pain will be felt. Tears will be shed.
No band-aid can protect it. No surgeon can weave a stitch through it. And usually, it takes more than 5 days to heal.


So everything else stops.
Attention shifts…
To
The
Healing


We attempt to figure out how we can mend on our own. Sometimes, if our hearts continue to get broken, we may even find a way to become immune to it. And on occasion, it leaves a scar. A battle wound. Some are larger than others. Some definitely tell a story. And some are just too big to cover up. They are there for everyone to see. If the wound is deep enough, tissue builds up around it for future protection. Numbness forming after a wound, to some extent, is inevitable. Because the body knows that this area is tender. Sensitive to touch. And if that area is wounded again, it will be scarred beyond recognition.


But, I would rather hurt then feel nothing.
I’d rather have my heart break then to not feel anything at all.
I would much rather experience the crash then to never have gone on the ride.


Next time, I just need to be more aware of where I’m heading. (and wear a helmet)


Have you ever CRASHED & been happy that you did?

My 'Not-So-Perfect' Car

If you come over to my house, you'll notice that typically I have order.

Maybe not with my kids.

BUT....there is still order.

Clothes are color coded & neatly hung in closets.

Everything has it's place.

I don't like clutter....or dust...or dog hair....or messes or things on every surface in the kitchen.

And right about now, you're thinking....'WOW!  You must be really fun to live with!'

Well.....now we turn the page.

Open my car door (well....it's actually a minivan, which I NEVER thought I would own but that's a different blog on a different day) and there is an entirely different world.  Few enter & think of me in the same organized, color-coded mommy light.

There are enough goldfish crackers to feed a nation.

There are never ending lollipop sticks strewn about from previous visits to the bank.  We visit so often that the teller  knows the kids favorite flavors.

There are toys & diapers & extra clothes.

Recycling bags for frequent last minute errands & artwork covered in glitter & sequins.

I have a tendency to buy sunglasses every now & then & forget where I put them & more times then not...they are ALL in the car.  All 10 pair.

On any given day I can find leftover chicken nuggets from Chick-Fil-A.

Today I found a frozen (yes, frozen) banana.  I'm not sure what happened to the peel.  I may find that NEXT week. 

And there is the ever present 6th passenger!  The potty.  It sits patiently under the console.  Tucked neatly away until we need it.  It has saved us many times from catastrophe.  I have not personally had to use it YET....but I'm not ruling it out yet either.

There are finger prints all over the windows.  Dried milk on the backs of seats.  Stains on the carpet from everything & anything that 3 toddlers could possibly stain it with.

So now you know.  I am erring my dirty laundry.  Or in this case....my really disgusting & messy car.

So seriously....what is the weirdest thing that you've ever found in your car?