Undeserving

I was in the 7th grade.

We had just moved to Southern California.  It had already been our 4th move since I had started school. 

I hated moving!

 I hated the first couple of weeks of school.

I can still remember feeling that huge pit in my stomach before I even got out of bed. 

Wondering if anyone would want to be friends. 

Trying to make friends with the ‘right’ people.  Worrying about what I would wear so I fit in.  I wanted to be liked.  Who doesn’t? 

And, I made some great friends. 

But….Not a single one of them had my same lunch period!  Not one.  So I dreaded that space.  The space in between being comfortable & feeling completely lost.  That void where sadness & awkwardness collided.  That 45-minutes of wanting to crawl into a hole and stay there until the bell rang.

So I did what I had to do. 

I made other 'friends'. 

They had lunch when I had lunch. 

And, they ate it…..behind the school. 

Because they didn't fit in either. 

A few were extremely overweight.  A few had bad acne.  None of them wore the right clothes or knew the right people AND…..None of them had friends outside of this little group that ate their spaghetti & meatballs together every Monday thru Friday.

I didn't talk to them outside of that time & place.  We didn't go to the beach on the weekends.  We didn't have sleepovers.  That was left for my REAL friends.  The ones that I really wanted as my friends.  Because they were pretty & rich & popular. 

I don't even like telling this story because it makes me feel horrible.  For many reasons.  I pray that my children or for that matter, ANY children ever have to feel the way I felt.  That they never have to experience that awkward space.  It makes me sad that we live in a world where the emphasis is still placed on who’s who & who is wearing what.  Who is friends with who & who’s parents make more money. 

But it’s up to us to teach our children different values.  To teach them to be kind & respectful no matter who they interact with.  Whether at the popular table or in the back of the school sitting with their backs against the wall with the ‘other’ kids.  

I couldn’t even tell you who those kids were.  But I wish I could go back & do things differently.  They were so accepting of me & I was so undeserving of it. 

I guess the lesson in it is to realize that God is that accepting. 

He knows our hearts & our hurts.  He knows we are not perfect & far from it.  He is just as accepting & we are so undeserving of it.  He knows we will come & sit with Him for a while when no one is looking & then run off when the bell rings & we are on to something more intriguing.   We will brush Him off at times when there are more ‘acceptable’ things to do but love Him how we should.  But He is still there when we return.  He is waiting for us.  Always accepting.  Never judging.  So happy to have us and  always willing to love us…..even when we feel we are unlovable.