Better than He found me

I am going to be raw.

I am going to be transparent.

Not always pretty but real….and in the case of authenticity…well, I’m fully engaged.

I never had the teary-eyed meeting with my first child.

It was certainly not a moment meant for Hollywood.

No ‘I’ve never felt anything more lovely’ moment.

I didn’t cry.  I’m not really sure what I felt….except for overwhelmed.

Out of control.

In pain.

Both physically AND spiritually.

Drowning under a sea of guilt for not falling in love the moment she was placed in my arms for the first time.

And that feeling didn’t go away when I carried her across the threshold either.

As sweet as could be…..

As only God could make her….

The minute I brought her home….

I still wasn’t feeling it.

Wondering where it was.

When it would show up.

IF

               it would ever show up.

And it never came.

As much as I wanted it….it never came.

She cried.

I cried.

She slept.

I cried.

She ate.

I cried.

She pooped.

I cried.

I didn’t like her.

I didn’t know what to do with her.

                     I didn’t know what to do with me!

I prayed.

Nothing happened.

I cried.

More tears came.

I wished time away.

And instead, time stopped.

And then something happened.

I realized that in that….

In the surrendering….

The letting go…

That I was becoming the person that I really needed to be.

That instead of standing on my own strength,

That I needed to get on my knees for it!

Ask the Highest Power for His power!

The light came & with it, was grace.

Strength was provided.  And with it, came courage.

I came to Him with nothing and in exchange, was given everything.

Chains of anxiety & fear where cut away.

Instead of walking in darkness & thick fog, everything was now clear & I could finally see.

She was special.

She was all things worth celebrating.

Then passion flooded.  For all that I knew she could be.  For all that I prayed she would be.  And my heart was overwhelmed.  Only this time-with LOVE.

Priorities were shifted.

Resilience was provided.

Tenderness was unleashed.

With a new independence I pursued dependence on God.

And He made me aware that obstacles are opportunities if we just change the direction of our focus.

In the presence of fear & floundering, I found the presence of joy & radiance.

She became, to my heart, all things magical & miraculous.

And then I fell in love.

Heart changed forever.

And now I listen to her laughter.  I watch her as she dances.  I relish in the quiet moments when her hand is holding mine.  As she sings her sweet songs with the most angelic voice, my heart gives way.

And In Love…

 I thank God.

For giving me the gift.

For helping me see things differently.

For knitting my unraveling heart back together.

For not leaving me where I stood.

For allowing me to become so much better than He found me.

In what way have you started to really live life?