Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Better than He found me

I am going to be raw.
I am going to be transparent.
Not always pretty but real….and in the case of authenticity…well, I’m fully engaged.

I never had the teary-eyed meeting with my first child.
It was certainly not a moment meant for Hollywood.
No ‘I’ve never felt anything more lovely’ moment.

I didn’t cry.  I’m not really sure what I felt….except for overwhelmed.
Out of control.
In pain.
Both physically AND spiritually.
Drowning under a sea of guilt for not falling in love the moment she was placed in my arms for the first time.

And that feeling didn’t go away when I carried her across the threshold either.
As sweet as could be…..
As only God could make her….
The minute I brought her home….
I still wasn’t feeling it.
Wondering where it was.
When it would show up.
               it would ever show up.

And it never came.

As much as I wanted it….it never came.

She cried.
I cried.

She slept.
I cried.

She ate.
I cried.

She pooped.
I cried.

I didn’t like her.
I didn’t know what to do with her.
                     I didn’t know what to do with me!
I prayed.
Nothing happened.
I cried.
More tears came.
I wished time away.
And instead, time stopped.

And then something happened.

I realized that in that….
In the surrendering….
The letting go…
That I was becoming the person that I really needed to be.

That instead of standing on my own strength,
That I needed to get on my knees for it!
Ask the Highest Power for His power!

The light came & with it, was grace.
Strength was provided.  And with it, came courage.
I came to Him with nothing and in exchange, was given everything.

Chains of anxiety & fear where cut away.
Instead of walking in darkness & thick fog, everything was now clear & I could finally see.

She was special.
She was all things worth celebrating.
Then passion flooded.  For all that I knew she could be.  For all that I prayed she would be.  And my heart was overwhelmed.  Only this time-with LOVE.

Priorities were shifted.
Resilience was provided.
Tenderness was unleashed.

With a new independence I pursued dependence on God.
And He made me aware that obstacles are opportunities if we just change the direction of our focus.
In the presence of fear & floundering, I found the presence of joy & radiance.

She became, to my heart, all things magical & miraculous.
And then I fell in love.
Heart changed forever.
And now I listen to her laughter.  I watch her as she dances.  I relish in the quiet moments when her hand is holding mine.  As she sings her sweet songs with the most angelic voice, my heart gives way.

And In Love…
 I thank God.

For giving me the gift.
For helping me see things differently.
For knitting my unraveling heart back together.
For not leaving me where I stood.
For allowing me to become so much better than He found me.

In what way have you started to really live life?

1 comment:

  1. Pretty darn good writing for 6 am! I too thank God for this precious little girl, although, as you know, my heart and life changed the moment I saw her - first time Grandmothers have that liberty! I thank Him too for giving you beauty for ashes and a spirit of joy for mourning. He's a great God and, by the way, my heart sang the first time I saw you...even though you scared me to death! Of course, I was so very blessed that you didn't do the colic thing with me. I do believe that makes all the difference. Your kids are blessed to have the parents they have. I'll likely even stick up for you when they're 16! Love, Mom