Tuesday, February 9, 2010

An Authentic Self

Worthy of trust, reliance, belief.
I want to be authentic
Authentic in my every day.
With my friendships.
As a wife.
As a mother.
With my family.
I want to be worthy of trust.
I want to have the honor of being made reliable.
For people to not just believe who I am but know that I am real.
It doesn’t mean it will always be pretty.  I am, after all, a woman with hormones.

To be trusted.
When I make a commitment, I keep my word.
If a promise is made & I don’t ‘show-up’, trust is broken.
I need to be real.  To be open & honest & raw & relevant.
I want to own my authenticity & be proud of it.
To reside in the diplomacy of knowing when to say something & when to hold back.
To honor those around me with an openness & honesty that makes them feel welcomed to my soul at any time.
There is beauty in authenticity that comes from the ‘what you see is what you get’.
Everything  present.
Nothing hiding.
All is there for everyone to see.
God is working on my authenticity. 
Am I worthy of trust?
In the 6th grade, I was voted ‘most trustworthy’.  Do we, at the age of 11, really understand what it means?
I could be trusted with someone else’s lunch money.  I could be trusted not to tell who had a crush on who.  I could be trusted borrowing my friend’s Gloria Vanderbilt jeans.
But what does it take now for me to be worthy of trust?
That I won’t cheat on my husband. 
That I will be there when he gets home at the end of the day.
That I will catch my kids when they leap off of the 4th stair….knowing that I WILL catch them.  That’s TRUST!
My mortgage company even trusts that I will make my monthly payment.
My daughter trusts that I will be there for her in the middle of the night when she just wants someone to lay with her for a while.
My friends trust me that I will be there for them, at any time of day, for any reason, with unconditional love.
How did I earn all of that trust?
It’s not because I’ve done something extraordinary to deserve it.
And it’s not because I still have the certificate from 6th grade to PROVE that I AM trustworthy.  ( I DO have the certificate to prove it!)
The authenticity of me, in me, through me….. comes from God.  He gives me freedom to be authentic.  He sets my heart in the right way.  He allows the provision of trust.
I want to be the ‘go-to-girl’.
I want my husband to never wonder.  To never question.  To always trust.
I want my kids to always know.  To always feel a security that comes from understanding that I will always be there for them……when they leap from the 4th step….or jump off of an emotional cliff.  Eventually, they WILL.  And they can trust…that I will be there to catch them.  The plunge may leave a mark.  But I will still be there.  TRUST.

I want my reliance to be VISIBLE.
To be seen.
And when I am relied upon….let it be met with my authentic heart.
Because I am TRUSTED.
And when I tell people that I will be there….I will be.
When I say that they can trust me….they can.
When I am relied upon….I don’t let anyone down.

And I can still be proud of that crumpled & worn certificate.  Faded red construction paper with it's lamination finally separating after all these years.  When I see it every now & then when going through boxes in our basement.....that it can still be a reminder of TODAY & the value that I still put on being trusted.  Being Authentic.  


1 comment:

  1. You go girl!....not that many people are REALLY authentic or vulnerable in this life (or to actually proclaim that they want to purposefully be that way)...we don't want people to really know us or think they will not give a care in this frenzied pace that we lead our lives...or that it's just for our 'better friends,' and not a way to live in general. To live consistently then this way, and not compartmentalizing everything and putting on different fronts depending on the company....but the call is to step up to something higher and step out of our comfort zones and that's what will stand a chance of making a difference and setting an example. And that's how Jesus lived...He lived here authentically as a man (Son of Man), not in His power as Son of God (what I'm learning in Jackie's class)...and that is our model. If I can just grasp living totally reliant on God thru the Spirit like that,and participate in His plan of santification for me, then I will be so much more authentic to the 'real me' that He created.